Glad to see you go-go-go-goodbye

Cerberus restructuring offers investors few quick exits

Firm’s hedge fund faces redemption requests for at least half of assets

SAN FRANCISCO (MarketWatch) — Cerberus Capital Management LP unveiled a  restructuring of its main hedge fund late that offers few ways for  redeeming investors to get their money back quickly, according to two  people familiar with the situation.

The plan, described in a Friday letter from the firm, means investors in  Cerberus Partners LP will probably get about 5% of their money back by the  end of 2009 at most, the people said on condition of anonymity.

Cerberus is offering investors in the hedge fund two main choices. One option involves shifting their stakes into a special-purpose vehicle which will be liquidated over two to four years, the people explained.

[Market Watch]

OOH! an SPV! Can I get a piece of that action?!?

Cerberus are the fuckers who bet big on debt-ridden heavyweights GMAC and Chrysler. They were part of that same group of people who, as Joe Biden says, “didn’t see this coming.”

So it is not a stretch to say theirs were the dimmest bulbs in the room.

What else would you expect of company that would hire Bob Nardelli? And… Dan Quayle? C’mon!

So the sad here story is the investors got screwed out of >95% (hmmm, still a better return than Madoff), but the happy news is the partners (just like the Madoff fund-of-funders ‘Madeout’ like Walt Noel, who keep their ill-gotten gains) made bonus!

I’m sure Joe Biden didn’t see it coming.


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